#totallesbiandomination

I’m only half joking!

During the pandemic lockdown, I understood that there was no universe where I could live a closested life. I could not survive it. I almost didn’t (and I have the note to prove it).

This was not an easy decision to make. I had to accept that at least for now, my homeland would not view me as an equal. I would be the whisper and the open secret of the family at best and at worst, family members would refuse to associate with me. I have been openly threatened by both men and women in public. I could go on and on about the emotional toll everything took on me during the process of coming to this decision, but I’m not in the mood for a sad coming of age monologue.

My choice to reject the hush hush closeted scraps many lesbians have been told that they should be okay with came from my desire to seek self preservation and seeing the existence of other lesbians out there. One quick moment seeing a lesbian couple holding hands at a party and many moments of observing lesbians online from the sidelines and ushering me in (which is also why I am very much pro interact with minors online) These little experiences showed me a lesbian focused life was possible and within reach if only I extended my hand to it.

As cliche childish hopes go, when I decided I wanted to live this life, I did so as well because I wanted to be to other lesbians and queer people who these lesbians were for me. I am nowhere near the lesbian activist I want to be but I cry every time someone tells me I’ve impacted their decision to accept their lesbianism or feel comfortable with queerness in some way. I know already that I can never say I lived an unfulfilled life because of these moments.

When I say my priority is lesbians, I tend to get backlash from every which way. This is exactly why I believe being lesbian centered is so important. Lesbians are in a very unique position in this patriarchal world. We are seen as something even below ‘women’ (and this is without any other intersecting identities that may cause us to face even greater challenges). Because of this positioning, we are uniquely targeted, uniquely hated, uniquely discarded. We are the aggressor that is incapable of being innocent and simultaneously idiots that need to be saved. I do not have to explain the nuances of the lesbian positioning, if you’re reading this, I assume you know. Even lesbian (radical) feminism often fails us in it’s current form, seemingly more interested in pleading to get into the good graces and being handmaidens for every other woman than carving a path for lesbians and using a framework that is actually useful to us.

So in honor of lesbian visibility week, here are my tenants to live a lesbian centered life. Shortly described to keep it light (and also because I have plans for some of these…):

1. Being unapologetic in the use of the word lesbian. Let it roll off your tongue the way your name does! There is hardly a time when anything else would fit for what I’m trying to say and if it doesn’t fit, I’d say something else. Erasure begins when we refuse to even name something. Imagine my shock with how many times I’ve seen people promote something during lesbian visibity week but using everything else BUT lesbian! Yes, I am that strict! Shape up your language and you’ll get my support. Be proud to claim something and yourself as a lesbian. We should always be thankful for our blessings, after all.

2. Giving grace to lesbians. I don’t just mean in the sense that lesbians are always taken in the worst faith — which we are — but also we are not believed or allowed to be angry or have negative emotions. Young lesbians do not get a chance to grow and form community. People are so quick to police and check their fellow lesbians. People do not believe lesbians when we talk about our negative or even abusive experiences, especially if it is not within our community(I am reminded of the recent allegations against Katy Perry made by Ruby Rose and how people cannot seem to fathom the fact that a lesbian would not automatically enjoy a sexual encounter with a woman, particularly a straight one, no matter what). I need lesbians to stay on code, the entire world is against us, no need to be against each other too.

3. Refusing to abandon other lesbians of different experiences. It is not enough for us to just say we support lesbians of colour, trans lesbians, disabled lesbians, etc. We need to actively fight against notions that places them to the sidelines. If there is a single lesbian who cannot rest easy due to her country facing attack by imperialist forces, our work is not done. Working class struggles and lesbian struggles have always been intertwined worldwide for a reason (which I would love to highlight in a future post). And it needs to be said that one of the biggest factors in transphobic right now rhetoric is the boogie man of a predatory trans lesbian coming for women. And yes, that will include calling out and fighting against lesbians that are standing behind that rhetoric. Being lesbian centered does not mean we just allow lesbians to get away with being bigoted and running amok. It is incompatible to it, actually.

4. Not engaging with useless nonsense that may only hurt us or has nothing to do with us. Lesbians, I want to hold your hand when I say this. There is absolutely no need to engage in the same tired discourse online that is fundamentally anti lesbian. I do not care what some random straight or bisexual woman has to say online and neither should you. If you see something nasty a man says, report it and warn, then block. No one’s mind is being changed in these conversations and we have more important things to focus on. If you cannot do work outside the internet, then I deeply encourage you to still focus on real world issues rather than pointless debates online that has been happening since the the dawn of Twitter. I also do not think we need to comment on everything. Straight people are not trying to hear lesbians’ opinion on their hell of a romantic landscape. I am pro leave them to their mess as long as it doesn’t hurt us. These people online are not your homegirl you’re giving advice to. Release yourself from trying to play captain saveahoe to them!

5. Sex positivity. There is an ‘awakening’ right now of women who are attracted to men realizing that maybe the whole sex positivity thing of past feminisms may not have all been sunshine and rainbows. So instead, they are declaring themself sex negative or at least rejecting many ‘sex positive’ ideas. Lesbians, stay out of this. Part of rejecting the heterosexual mainstream lens, is also rejecting the idea that your needs and goals match up 1-1 with non lesbian women. This is not to say you have nothing in common but to say it is okay to admit your paths can and do diverge and you need to prioritize that. Lesbian sexuality has never been seen as positive by the mainstream. There has never been a push for lesbians to be into kinky sex or one night stands or whatever else the stereotype of sex positivity is. It is very important to me that lesbians push harder and embrace their eroticness, sensuality and sexuality more. We need more sex positive lesbian spaces where questions can be answered and shame is not around the corner. Lesbian erotica has done a lot when it comes to helping me feel comfortable in my sexuality and healing the trauma from sexual abuse in ways that therapy could never. And to add on to this:

6. Stop seeing lesbians as just like everyone else. Now listen, I understand why the “I’m just like you” mantras have become mainstream and is useful but we must all understand we are not. As I said, we occupy a unique position so of course we will have unique experiences, interactions and dynamics at play. The minute you hear someone saying “heteronormative lesbians” unless the lesbians in questioning are saying that heterosexuals are amazing and should be praised for being the blueprint and agreeing with their bigotry, you need to shut that down immediately. There is also ongoing attempt to separate lesbians from the wider queer community and culture because since cishet feminists don’t need them, we don’t either. This is a psyop and you are being played. While I do agree that wider queer spaces can be hostile towards lesbians, you will never convince me to reject queerness in any shape or form. You are not like cishet women.

7. Surrounding yourself with lesbian art(I refuse to use the term ‘media’ unless I absolutely have to)! Because yes, it exists and it is wonderful! There are many different accounts dedicated to sharing lesbian art (like meeeeee)or at least art featuring lesbians and there are many lesbian artists trying to get their work out there. The world is hard for lesbians, painful a lot of times but maybe connecting with art that understands these experiences or may give you a moment to escape might help you breathe.

These are just somethings I live by. Many of these require you to reshape your thinking and unpack what you might have grown up indoctrinated to believe. The most common thing in all this is that I need lesbians to stop seeking validation from the outside world. You do not need approval from everyone else, you deserve dignity, respect and liberation. I don’t think these things are easy to do, especially if you did not grow up in a space where lesbianism was viewed even slightly well. Trust me, I know. But I think it is important for us lesbians to know that we can be centered. We deserve it actually! There is a home for us to run to and we can make it together. There will be people who try to guilt you or shame you into lowering yourself but we must totally reject it. Not try to negotiate with it. I love lesbians and the friends who love us too!